Bible
The''' Bible (Chronologically, Volume 2: Empire Kills Christ)' is the sacred text of Christianity. This book is the second book of the fantasy book series; the Desert Quadrilogy. It's split into two sections: the Old and New Testament. Despite popular belief, The Book Of Mormon is not the 3rd book of the Bible but is, in fact, Bible Fanfiction. Creationist Cat is planning on authoring a third part of the Bible that will include parts omitted from the previous entries that reference the house cat that was zapped by God through the internet. The Bible (Empire Kills Christ) contains a bunch of violence, incest, sexism, talking animals, and magic, so of course there have been editions made specifically for children. You could find better morality from the back of a cereal box than the pages of this drivel, though, it does make very good paper to smoke pan. The Bible is often used to justify slavery and the murder of innocent brown people dirty savages and poor gay people homosexual deviants. Modern Christians also like to justify terrible acts in the Bible by denying them, because they were in the old testament, saying it's ok because The Great Leader committed or condoned them, or it's Jesus foreshadowing. This crock of shit is also the number 1 best selling book of all time; not because people want to read it but because it gets stored under every Church Pew, shoved in every hotel drawer, given freely to children, and grasped in the hands of every sweaty preacher. The sequel to the Bible is the Quran while the prequel is the Torah. The Bible Reloaded is a channel where 2 homosexual lovers named Jugo and Hake read the Bible. Genesis 2:4 - Genesis 3:23 The Garden of Eden was a magical place in Texas where everything was amazing. There were orchards of supple trees, such as apple trees, peanut trees, banana trees and fuck-over-humanity trees. Animals used to speak in tongues and were all vegans. Then one day, one woman screwed it all up by eating some fruit and now humanity has to suffer for her crimes. The Garden of Eden mysteriously disappeared after that event. Weird. '''The Adventures of Dirtman & Ribwoman' God made Eve because Adam was horny as fuck and the technology to invent fleshlights had not been developed quite yet. He made a tree with sparkling titty fruits for no reason other than to tempt man. He lost his shit when Eve ate the fruit, even though he is all-knowing and knew full well of Eve's easily persuaded woman brain. He punished all humans for this which makes no sense and is totally incompetent. The Flood (Genesis 6:9) The Flood was a major part of creationist history when God realized that his creation sucked donkey turds. To start off fresh again God decided to kill every living thing on Earth with a flood. God then changed his mind and decided to let a carpenter named Noah and his family live. God commanded Noah to build a big ship to fit millions of animals/insects and keep them in their living conditions without eating each-other or starving to death for months. It worked because God, and don't you dare view the huge amount of evidence and arguments against this. Character Comparisons #TJ is the Father (God). #Scotty is the Son (Jesus). #Ben is the Holy Ghost. #Brett Keane is Satan (Lucifer) #Dusty Smith is Abraham #Paul's Ego is Moses. #Mercedes Carrera is the Virgin Mary #Billy the Fridge is King Solomon #Tumblr is the city of Sodom #Twitter is the city of Gomorrah. #VenomFangX is Judas. #Jim Ass is the Donkey in the book of Numbers. #The DP Wiki Staff are the Hebrews. #Jaclyn Glenn is Esther. #G Man is Samuel #Gail Chord Schuler is the prostitute from the book of John. #Hugo is Esau #Jake is Jacob Verses From Da Bizzy * "Oh hai. In teh beginnin' Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez an' da Urfs, but he did not eated dem." - ''Terminator Genisys 1:1 * ''"I be goin ta bust thee what tha fuck mah Father has promised, but stay up in tha hood until thou has done been clothed wit juice from on high." -Luke 24:49 * "And afterward, I'ma pour up mah Spirit on all people. Yo crazy-ass lil playas n' daughtas will prophesy, yo' oldschool pimps will trip dreams, yo' lil' pimps will peep visions.29 Even on mah servants, both pimps n' dem hoes, I'ma pour up mah Spirit up in dem days." -''Joel 2:28-29 * ''"But as fo' me, I be filled wit power, wit tha Spirit of tha LORD, n' wit justice n' might, ta declare ta Jacob his cold-ass transgression, ta Israel his sin." ''-Micah 3:8 * ''"n' I have filled his ass wit thy Spirit of God, wit skill, mobilitizzle n' knowledge up in all kindz of crafts" -Exodus 31:3 * "Teach me ta do yo' will, fo' yo ass is mah God; may yo' Spirit lead ma crazy ass on level ground." -Psalm 143:10 * "Dow shall not do drugs!" -Leviticus 420:69 * "If anyone strikes thee on thy right cheek, turn thy left cheek punch the fuck out of them on the left cheek" -somewhere in the book of Matthew Disclaimer * General Disclaimer Category:Books Category:Christians Category:World Religions Category:Theists